A Little More on Family

Thank you for the comments on my last post.  The word 'family' is ripe for connotation, I'm not using the word to convey psychological identification and warm feelings for others.  My noticing of families has more to do with family of man concept.  We are all connected and we need others for all levels of survival.  Whether I buy in to it or not, if I am showing up in a group with regularity and sharing space, I belong to that family even though I may feel separate from others.  Feelings are beside the point which brings me up to what I was thinking about after I signed off last night.

I can give up the idea of being unique.  My favorite knitting blogger (Yarnagogo) just posted her novel writing strategies, she is working on her sixth.  When I started reading her, the blog was the extent of her writing.  I have delusions that I could write books.  And paint capably.  They are just ideas that I have about myself, things that make me stand out from others and flatter my ego.  They are erroneous ideas that I have about myself.  If Icould be those things, I would be working on them.  But I'm not, that's not the path that I've been given.

So, what's good about today is that I'm not a failed anything, I'm who I am.

11 Months

Tomorrow I will pick up a chip. What I have been thinking about lately is that I'm becoming a member of some families.  There is a gathering on Memorial Day Sunday that I would just as soon miss but I have history with these folks and I think that I must go.  AA meetings do not feel like home to me yet but I go anyway, mostly because I care about what is happening even though I do not particularly feel like I belong.

I have a new work situation and watch my reactions to others, I spend more time with the three that I'm seated than with anyone else in my life.  My church counts me as a member whether I like it or not.  There are expectations and I suppose there must be gifts though it is not always clear to me.

The common denominator is me and my attitude with others who are in the same pocket.  Just as in my birth family, I feel different and judgemental.  But, a step at a time, I see that they are my family and I am bound to them.  As someone I know sometimes says, the frozen wall around my heart is beginning to soften.

That's what's good about today.

Change is Strange

Some of the things that I pray for are to have my anxiety and fear abate and that I not be ruled by my ego.  The weird thing is that as those forces rise up and swirl, I feel more confused than ever and do not know whether I am gravitating towards health or away from it.

An essential truth is that with attention to prayer and meditation, I move closer to God instead of further away.  If I feel disconnected and disoriented in my human activities, it is that change is underway and I need to surrender my will.

If I exercise my will in an effort to control my anxiety I feed into a cycle of escalating reactivity that has it's own centrifugal force.  Today, a day at a time, I can pay attention when I notice myself in a circular pattern of avoiding what is really bothering me.

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An Almost Alchoholic

I went looking for a Recovery Bible and came up with a book from which I took the title of my blog. If you google it, you will come up with some conversation about it.  I found some identification with it.  I could say more but am not sure that anyone else has any energy around it.  It doesn't change much for me.  I don't have a neutral attitude about alcohol and I don't need a drink today, it would not be a good idea, one day at a time.

Today is first day without the old job and I'm surprised at how calm I feel.  Surreal.

My Chit-Chats

Talked with a friend this morning who I met in program about four months ago.  She's not doing many meetings and she is sky high with spirituality and optimism.  The Shalom group is very important to her growth and she is alive with wonder and excitement.  I hope that she is right about all this.  She was thrilled hearing that I start a new job and I felt sky high from having talked to her.

Heard about a work friend on Monday who received severe injuries from a motorcycle accident over the weekend and was transferred to a Boston hospital.  The good news is that she has started fluttering her eyelashes.  I saw her late on Friday as I went home.  She was watching a patient being transported away in an ambulance after suffering a fall.  "I can't be everywhere", she said with tears in her eyes.  Of course, you can't, I replied, it's not your fault.  I know, she said.

I gave scant notice at my job and now my supervisor gets the gift of experiencing life in the trenches.  She tells my management team that she had been trying to take vaca this month and that her sister is having brain surgery but she will do her best.  And thanks me for my years of work for the company.  I, too, would have liked vacations and not to have returned to work after taking a supper break. She tells me, as I work hard to clear reports, that I am not eligible for re-hire and that it is a small world.

I think that it is a big world.  And that life is a series of hellos and goodbyes. 

Picking New Flowers

Here it is almost a month since my last post.  This recovery business can keep a person busy.  Next week I will celebrate 10 months of sobriety.  I have tried some new meetings recently and went on my first commitment.

Work has been a bear and it is opportunity to examine my motives and watch my reactions.  My pathology follows me everywhere.  I see fear and approval seeking, know judgement and turn to my higher power.  Even now, as I accept the windfall of a new job landing in my lap, I observe my anxiety in giving my goodbyes and watch my boundaries ebb and flow as I paddle the waters.

I hope for the best as I close out the last 5 years at the old place and contemplate the new adventure starting in May.  I know that if I don't stay close to meetings and even closer to my personal defects, I can turn the best things into a canvas that I paint with the same old palette of color.

So, I didn't think that I had anything to post today.  Then I checked out your blogs and found some new ones to add to my list that you might like to check out.  Those are my 'new flowers' by the way.

That's what's good about today.

Practice, practice

Steve's comment mentioned the word persistence which reminded me of a book I just finished reading with a group. It's called Compassion, by Henri Nouwen & two other theologians.

In Part Three, The Compassionate Way, Chapter 7 is entitled Patience and delves into the concept of discipline, not as a rigorous effort of control but as an effort of practice that enables revelation of divine spirit. Through the discipline of prayer and meditation, we patiently make ourselves available to experience the divine presence in our lives. Here's a direct quote, "Without discipline, the forces that call us by our old names and pull us into competitive games are too strong to resist."

Wow, that sounds like something a lot of us can identify with. Another thing he mentions that I also like is the idea that compassion cannot be willed. He/they state that compassion is a divine gift . . . it is not conquered but given by the grace of God.

I was at a meeting sometime in the last couple weeks where the subject was change. Some people prayed for change (I might have already posted on this) and maybe this is just semantics but what works for me is to pray for the lifting of my defects, my fear and narcissism and ask to be humble and accepting of what life presents me. And THEN things change.

Comments?